Only Child Thoughts

When I was in college my doctor told me that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. By the grace of God I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Up until a year ago (before my marriage went south) we didn't prevent pregnancy but were not actively trying. Once we entered therapy I actively prevented pregnancy. I had always hoped to have just one more baby. The end of my marriage pretty much ended my dreams of another baby.

I'm 33 years old which doesn't make me old but I'm no where near ready for another relationship right now and I don't plan on having a baby with anyone that I'm not married to. Who am I to say what God's plan is? I just don't see having another child happening.

I'm working on making peace with that fact.

There is something about knowing that this is your one and only child that makes you feel extra attached to every phase. Once those firsts are reached, they are reached. There is no going back.

As I was weaning Jack off the bottle and we were ready to give it up for good, I planned his last bottle. I used a special glass bottle that we have had in our family for many years. I held him like a baby, loved on him, and told him how precious he was. He was growing out of the baby stage and no longer depended on me to feed him his bottle. I know that child was thinking my mama is crazy.

All moms love to see their baby flourish. I think I hold on to the sweet baby part of him even more so because I know this is my only baby. I hold him and try to soak it all in because I'll never get to hold one of my babies at this exact age. Just tonight I was holding him and thinking he isn't going to let me hold him for too many more years. I have to appreciate this time.

When Jack was an infant he rarely slept (still doesn't sleep much) and I would get miserably tired. I remember once a friend was listening to me moan about how tired and miserable I was feeling, This friend told me that this phase will pass quickly. I know I heard that many times but on this paticular day it really sunk in. It had two meanings. One, it may not seem like it now but it will get better, and two, you better hold on to this time because although you are exhausted these moments you will not get back. I decided right then that I would do my very best to remember in those most difficult times that it will get better but you also better make sure you appreciate this moment. Some of my most precious moments happened in the middle of the night. Once my attitude changed those experiences changed. I'll never forget singing country songs to Jack in the middle of the night or us dancing and even making cookie bars in the dead of night.

I'll always be thankful that God gave me Jack. As he continues to flourish, by the grace of God, I will remember to be extra aware of how amazing it is that he is mine. A part of me might always be a little sad that I'll never having another baby but hopefully Jack will get even more love and affection from me. Believe me, with this wild child, he may just need my undivided attention.