Monday, November 10, 2014

Maybe I'm Cold Hearted?

I've always been one who could departmentalize. My Mom says this trait came from the Ponder side of the family. When Jeremy said he was moving out I got angry-not sad. I didn't beg him to stay or cry for him to keep us together as a family. In my mind I just thought "okay, he doesn't want us so what do I do now". I immediately starting trying to figure out the next step and making to do lists. It is who I am. Did I get sad? Yes. Do I still get sad? Yes. Do I stay sad? No. I feel that someone else's choices can not control our situation. Why beg someone to stay who wants to go? Maybe I didn't feel like it was worth fighting for? Maybe I was too tired of fighting for something he clearly didn't want.

It bothered him that I didn't cry, beg, or plea with him. Perhaps it's my pride.

There are many times when I get very sad. I can't look at pictures of happier times for too long or listen to certain songs on the radio. It becomes too much and my brain starts thinking and my heart starts feeling. I have to remind myself that looking back isn't helping us move forward. 

When things in my life get tough I've always been one to try and figure out a way to fix things and dig ourselves out of the mess. Of course, it was better when it was the two of us working together to make things better. Now that he is gone and Jack is my whole world I have even more of a fight in me. I don't want any of this to effect him in any way. If I'm down and upset that isn't going to make him feel like his best self. I have to put him first and not get myself down about the love that I lost or the betrayal that I feel.

Honestly, I don't feel like I am a cold-hearted person. To some people I'm sure they probably look at me and think why isn't she more upset. To those people I say "I just can't be right now. I have to make the best life possible for Jack and myself. That means that for now I have to put my big girl panties on and tackle things I've never wanted to do. For now, I need to survive. There are to do lists to work on and a life beyond divorce to make. I'll be sad another day, when I have more time".

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