Co-Parenting and How I Survive It

First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Mama with the baby carriage. Oh and then comes divorce and then co-parenting. Not exactly how I envisioned things going. No one imagines that on their wedding day that a day will come when the person you are promising to spend your life with will bring you so much turmoil. Not the plan, yet here it is.

He can frustrate me beyond anything because the cord he is pulling on is one that is connected to my heart, Jack. My ex can have Jack each Saturday from 10 am to 7 pm. He comes, maybe, every other Saturday. When he is on time he brings him back within three hours. Of course, I am beyond happy to get Jack back into my arms, but at the same time it is frustrating because when he leaves with Jack I am forced to be on stand-by because I know he won't bring him back at a specific time. It's not like I can go get a pedicure because he has brought him back before after 45 minutes. Yes, he travels an hour and a half and spends that little time with him. I also mark the diaper Jack is wearing and my ex has not once changed his diaper. Thankfully, Jack hasn't been gone for very long. You see, for some reason when his dad gets him Jack always comes down with some sickness and needs to come back home. Luckily for Jack and I, Jack is miraculously better once he is home. Weird, huh?

How do I survive all this and more? Let me tell ya folks. First off, it isn't easy at all and sometimes I don't do a very good job but overall I think I handle it well. Here is how.

1. I don't call him out on his lies. Oh how I want to, really badly. He puts pictures on Facebook that I sent him and then writes his own status like he took the picture. When people are responding about what a great dad he is I just close my mouth. It doesn't benefit me to say anything. Yes it would feel good to let the world know he is a fake but my focus is Jack. Getting him angry just causes him to lash out. I'm divorcing him to no longer fight with him so why would I do it now. My mom says she would have lost it by now and she asks me frequently how I can handle not choking him. I remind her that Jack is my only focus.

2. Refuse to hash out the past. Many times when we talk on the phone he will bring up past issues. There is no reason for us to discuss our past maritial issues. He isn't always happy when I say "I don't want to discuss that" but it is always best. I made the mistake in the past of trying to discuss it and well we still can't talk about it without fighting so there isn't any point.

3. Stick to the facts. A part of me is crazy curious about what he was doing out at 1:23 am and posting pictures on Facebook of him and his friends at a bar. I have to remind myself that although I am curious that it isn't my business anymore.

4. Zip your lips as much as you can. He can piss me off faster than anyone. I went to St. Louis with two friends to see Garth Brooks and he still throws it in my face. He calls me a bad mother for leaving Jack with my parents while I went out and had fun. He also said I shouldn't be asking for child support since I had the money to spend a weekend in St. Louis. When he does pay, he pays me $25 a week. Not that I have to defend myself, but I used my Christmas bonus for that trip. The $125 that he has paid so far isn't really making me rich.

5. Have a sounding board or two. I don't like to constantly complain about my ex or his lack of parenting skills but it is nice having a few selected people and a blog to turn to when I need to let it out. Usually once I rant to my best friend or mom I feel better and can move on.

6. Keep their family out of it. I have to remind myself that regardless of how wrong he is he is still their brother, uncle, son, or grandson. His family has been very supportive of me. He and his family actually had a big falling out over his family taking my side. Once I found out I texted him and told him he really should try to make things right with his family. His mom is not in great health and the idea of something happening to her and them not talking bothers me. I never bad mouth him to his family. It wouldn't do any good and in the end it would probably make things more difficult.

7. Don't turn to social media. Facebook can be the devil at a time when relationships are tumbling. He has written some mean things about me on Facebook but I refuse to do the same. For one it is just tacky. Also, I am a teacher and it isn't the best thing to look like a crazy ranting lady. I bet you are thinking this blog is social media but he doesn't read it and neither does his family. Also, believe me, I am being really nice.

8. Remind yourself that your child is most important. During Spring Break I drove Jack to a toddler fun place in the town where his dad lives. Althought it wasn't his dad's day I still invited him to join us since we were going to be in town. Well he shows up late and asks me to pay his way in. I so wanted to say no but Jack had already laid eyes on his dad and I didn't want him to miss out on him seeing his dad. I closed my lips and paid the money. I never say mean things about his dad even though I don't think he would understand but I don't want to get in the habit.

9. Try to want what is best for him. Deep down (well maybe not that deep down) I pretty much wish the ground would swallow him whole. However, if he is going to be in Jack's life then I want good things for him. If he is going to date someone then I want that person to be a good person because that person will be around my baby. To wish bad things on my ex is to wish bad for my son.

10. Be positive. The best medicine in this whole process for me is being the happiest I can be. Not every day is easy but reminding myself that I am moving us forward in a positive direction helps. Jack needs to see me happy and as adjusted as I can possibly be. When I do find myself getting brought down I take a break. Sometimes I call a friend, write, read, or just go for a drive and have a good cry. It's nice being able to get those small breaks while living with my parents.

11. Surround yourself with a great support system. Like I said earlier I don't like to dwell on this hard time. No one wants to hear someone whine and complain all the time. When it was fresh I know my closest friends were worn out from all my agony. I kept the news from my co-workers for six months because I wanted one place where things felt normal. My friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers have been so kind to me during all this. One of the postive things from all this is that my relationship with God has strengthened. He has listened to me more than anyone. I could not imagine going through all this without such wonderful people in my life.

There are days where I am not my best self. Sometimes I say things to him that I know isn't going to help things. My main focus is the health and well being of Jack but there are moments where I am weak. I forgive myself, remind myself that I am not perfect, and move on.

Should Have Known (How The Visitation Went)

I'm just gonna lay it all out there. Don't think I'm being bitter or jealous or any of those other words that women call other women who are going through a divorce. I'm just gonna be honest. I need to vent and also explain how the first visitation went.

So Jack's Dad (J) has been telling everyone and Facebook how I've been keeping his son from him which is not the truth. My only rule has been that I did not want Jack staying the night at J's girlfriend's house. Other than that he was free to see Jack. He choose not to visit him. Saturday was the first ordered visitation set by our temporary visitation agreement. J would get Jack from 10 am to 7 pm on Saturday. Here are some facts to help you follow along.

1. J lives with his girlfriend in Little Rock which is at most 2 hours away from where we live.
2. Lake Village is 30 miles south of where we live.
3. I invited J to Jack's Valentine's party prior to the temporary visitation agreement and again once after Feb. 12 (the day before the party).
4. J is ordered to pay $25 a week which is a minimum because he has no income.
5. His current girlfriend (M) does work and was working this past weekend.

So, Saturday morning Jack woke up extremely early, like 4 am early. Maybe he could feel my anxiety.  After a little while I texted J to let me know when he was leaving so I could give Jack a bath and start getting him ready. Well a little after 8 I went ahead and started getting Jack ready.

Jack took a Valentine's themed bath

At 9 J calls and says he is on his way soon. I hear him talking to someone and say "I thought you were coming alone". He explains that he is talking to the hotel manager and that he is staying in a hotel in Lake Village. I asked him "Why did you drive past here to go to your room?". He explains that he got the room yesterday. What??? I asked him why didn't he come to Jack's Valentine's party then. He said he came after the party. Hello!!! He doesn't have a job so he could have came up at any time.

J gets here and I go to put him in the carseat when J brags "I bought him a brand new one". Yeah, you did, but you haven't installed it. I ended up having to zip Jack into his trampoline while we installed it. I packed snacks, clothes, toys, drinks, and cups. He had told me the day before that they were going to have lunch at McDonalds and he was going to take Jack to the park so I wanted to make sure Jack had everything he would need. J had already agreed to go ahead and buy diapers and wipes.

At 1:09 I sent J a text asking how things were going. He said that he wasn't use to this anymore and went on to ask me if I could drive down and pick Jack up. My Mom drove me down there since I hadn't slept the night before. They were waiting outside when we pulled up. He said "maybe next time I can come to your house and that way Mama can help me".

They never went to the park and he never took him to McDonalds. Jack's pants were wet and his diaper was soaked so I know he hadn't been changed. All of these reasons and many more is why I didn't want him to stay overnight.

We stopped at Sonic so I could feed him lunch. When we got home I changed him and then took him outside to jump on the trampoline. I texted J "Since you didn't get as much time with him, if you want you can pick him up and take him to supper or you can come here and visit him. We are making Valentine cupcakes".

Bennett, Jack, and myself ate Valentine cupcakes in bed and watched Frosty the Snowman in bed.

I also texted him to let him know that he forgot to pack Jack's coat and asked him to bring it by on his way through town. He texted back that he was leaving town tomorrow so that he would bring it by then.

J never showed up to take Jack to dinner or for Valentine cupcakes. J never dropped off his coat. He (I'm sure M) paid me the $25 child support. I put the money in Jack's piggy bank. 

Questions I ask myself:

1. Why stay 2 nights to only see your son for that short amount of time?

2. You have wanted to see your son so badly but yet you choose not to go to his Valentine's party, go have supper with him, or visit him on Sunday when you drop his coat off, why?

3. Why would you sit in a hotel room with a 2 year old and not take him to McDonalds and the park like you said you were going to do?

4. How can you afford a hotel room for 2 nights yet can only give me $25 a week?

5. How can M be so dumb as to believe that he stayed in that hotel room alone?

6. How can M believe that J needed a hotel room in the first place? We go to Little Rock all the time for the day. He could have left at 8 and been here early enough to get him at 10. 

7. Why would he stay in Lake Village when where we live has hotels also? Hello M, he is in Lake Village (the town he use to work in) staying in a hotel for the weekend yet keeps his son for a few hours. What's up with that? I see a new woman in his future very soon. 

When I texted him Sunday night asking him to let me know his plans for this Saturday as soon as he knows he responded with "is this my Saturday?". The papers say every Saturday and he didn't even know that. I had to open my freaking mouth. 

I so badly want to yell at him but that would only make him be evil and do things to piss me off. It's better to play the game for awhile and let him mess himself up. My focus needs to be on Jack and not J. 

Well there is your update. Until next time my loves.

Night Before Visitation Begins

Tomorrow Jack begins getting to spend Saturdays with his Dad. The official papers say from 10 am to 7 pm. I'm quite anxious. Since we split six months ago, his dad has seen Jack maybe five times. Jack has changed a lot in these six months. Ms. Control Freak here has to hand over her most precious piece of her heart to a person she feels like lied and manipulated her. Mama here is feeling a little (okay a whole lot nervous). I even asked if I could tag along for the first hour so they could get reaquantied before I just left the two of them alone. He didn't go for it.

His Dad lives two hours away so he is going to get a hotel room for visitation. Obviously, he can't do that every Saturday. Right now there is no plan. We are pretty much at a standstill on our terms. He clearly wants to take Jack the two hours to stay overnight at his girlfriend's house and I am not okay with those terms. Boy divorce sure is fun! When I say this I mean it. I understand now why some people wait until their kids are grown before they get a divorce. If things weren't so far gone between the two of us I would try and make things work just so I could keep Jack with both of his parents.

His Dad is going to pack the things that Jack needs such as diapers, wipes, and cups. I keep thinking of all the things that his Dad needs to know to make things smoother for the both of them. I also thought it would be a good idea to gather up a few of Jack's favorite toys to take with them. Not only will it give them something to do but also will give Jack a feel of home. Do I sound like a crazy mother yet??

To make myself feel better about tomorrow I decided to head to Pinterest for some divorce humor. I'll share with you some of my favorites. I'll be sure to also share with you how tomorrow goes.